Christianity – One Woman’s Lie About Getting Pregnant That Got Way Out of Hand.

Luckily for myself, I have an output which can be taken as satire and fact depending on how I, and the audience feel. Some of my work can be playful, some outright demeaning – though always honest. I recently heard an expert on the historicity of Jesus, after-which I am fully convinced the man not only had no special powers, but most probably didn’t exist. Prior to this I always felt the story of Jesus may have been a few old wives tales strapped to a poor executed man, or someone chosen specifically as a pet project for a church. I never really dissected the evidence for such a person until recently – mostly because it didn’t interest me in the slightest. But as I am not a news source, or bound by certain rules, I would like to make a more humorous proposal, which I fully understand can be disregarded if the historicity account I recently heard was true. Also, we see so much nastiness , it has become normal to click on a link referring to a religion and be utterly appalled at the contents, that’s why I thought something different would be nice.

Some years back I saw a fantastic meme, (said image I sadly cannot find) that spoke in basic terms on how the story of Jesus was one woman’s lie about getting pregnant that just got totally out of control. It was made funnier by over-thinking the actual occurrence. Nowadays a drunk fueled one night stand, which leads to a child, might include a sobering conversation with parents like – “but, I am getting to know him, and he is actually a really nice guy, he has a good job…”

Whereas Mary, in this situation, could never be outdone – “but don’t worry, we will never starve, he can literally feed thousands with a few fish! And you like wine Father – he can turn our murky water into Merlot … you love Merlot!”

Ok, I know this is a jest – but let us delete the account of deities that Jesus has clearly stolen from, let us also delete further accounts of new prophets like Big Mo the Muslim bro, and Joseph Smith the snake oil salesman with magic underwear. Imagine if the only deity and prophet we had was the Christian one, imagine if the only holy book we had was the bible, it wouldn’t be too hard to sit back and think wow, this woman got pregnant and lied her ass off to cover it up.

We all know people like this, exaggerating and squirming out of any responsibility, never to be held accountable. Well, maybe Mary was the same? Maybe she truly got up the duff by some strange traveler and created an outlandish story about angels instead of telling her husband “I got drunk, and smoked something I think I shouldn’t have, and rode a guy like sea biscuit.”


There are two reasons she could not do this, 1) Back then I’m pretty sure they would have been allowed to smoke such items, although I doubt the area had sufficient soil & 2) She should have no idea who sea biscuit is, neither should I, I hated that film. I declare all films based solely around animals to be sub-par … with the exception of Free Willy because it was basically a heart-wrenching documentary about freeing whales (wasn’t it?)

 

Aren’t all mythical beings, God’s and Prophets just an amalgamation of old wives tales with Chinese whispers added on top?


I’m sure the Gospels of The Bible (before they were edited and chosen at the 
council of Nicaea) had many mundane stories that had to be expanded on to be included. Maybe there was no talking snake, but one guy who loved snakes just wouldn’t let it go. And another guy who thought the story of Jesus swimming faster than everyone else wasn’t miraculous enough, so proposed the idea of walking on the water.

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I don’t know – it all seems futile to me. Truth is, every once in a while we must detach ourselves. Atheists like myself spend so much time offended by religion, and disgusted by its wrongdoing – so much so that it literally becomes a part of our lives. It affects us because we actually care, we don’t turn a blind eye. In such a harsh environment, we sometimes need to kick back and relax like one does in real life, times are stressful? Have a beer with friends – and so on.

So laugh after watching religiosity make a fool of our civilization and belittle us to a colony of ants that look to our leader for guidance. Smile at anything that helps us ignore such horrors like diminishing fossil fuels, climate change, degradation of women, suicide bombings, and zealot law makers ruining beautiful countries like the USA due to “The Bible”. We have to just take a deep breath and say things like “Christianity, one woman’s crazy excuse for getting pregnant, that got way out of hand.”

Humor and detachment might help save out sanity – at the very least it will lower our blood pressure.

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