The Tale of Spartacus

My name is Spartacus, I have one brother left named Titus, and one Sister named Bee-lac-eh who is very sexy, I think she and Titus are intimate. My other brother The Douche (our staff called him “Il Duce” after someone famous) has gone, we know not where. I miss him. We are not Gods, my staff and I, Fran and Gerry, are also Atheists; they do our bidding, they treat us like gods. I don‘t know why but I like it, and the following is my story .


I was born in the Summer. I have seen eight moons and many suns. I have felt the warm sun and the bitter cold. We live in a country called Canada (I think it means Land of The Bitter Cold) this I will explain later on. I said I am an atheist, but I do believe in dogs, they are real and they are evil bastards. My brother and I think they killed our other brother, but we have no proof.  I find it interesting that Dog spelled backwards is God, he must be an evil bastard too. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a bastard per say, I’m one.   My mom was the purest Black and had the softest fur but when we left our home in the shed next door we said goodbye with no intentions of returning. Both Titus and I bunked with a commune in the Big Barn across the way. There is plenty of room there and lots of sex, I mean lots and lots of sex. Titus is addicted. I never knew my dad, he or they (my mom was a bit of a slut) left before we were born, I suspect I will do the same. It’s our way.

They call us feral Cats, that just means we are free to chose where and when we go and what we eat. Titus likes mice, I think they’re yucky, I like frogs and those long slimy things, I don’t know what they are called but they taste good.  I took one to my new human mom one time, I call her mom but she is really just staff, anyway I took her one and she screamed. I’m not doing that again. Titus said that I should have brought her a mouse, but I don’t think that’s a good idea (just a hunch). I sure would like to try the taste of bird but they are really hard to catch .


In the summer (that’s the hot moons) when we were little is when we adopted our new staff, we have taken to calling them mom and dad, they like that. They are old and simple folks and do almost everything we want. They were not the easiest to train but we are still teaching them our ways and we are learning theirs. They even put a box for me to poop in, in the house, Titus won’t do it he says he likes to pee outside even in the cold moons. One thing, and I think this is why he goes out, one thing he learned never, and I mean never, pee on mom. She will throw you out of the house or make dad do it .


Life in the warm moons is very easy and lots of fun. Dad has a garden where he lets us play and sometimes he chases us around, especially when he is smoking some of the plants. But mostly he just sits in a big chair and reads a book and laughs, I love his laugh. I know Titus is his favorite but that’s OK. Titus plays a game called fetch with him. I see no reason to chase after our own toy mouse then bring it back only to have Dad to throw it away again, just a waste of my good time and makes no sense. Dad,  lets us eat his plants, even the special ones he likes to smoke. I will always remember with fond thoughts the warm moons and the fun in the garden and I long for those special times. I hope they will come again .



I will now tell you about Canada and the cold moons, they are sometimes wondrous and beautiful but they can also be the most awful times ever. As I said earlier the name Canada means the Land of the Bitter Cold and I can tell you from experience that it gets cold, real cold. Mom says it gets so cold the wind will shave you (whatever that means). The garden and everything gets covered with white stuff and outside food is almost impossible to find. No frogs, no sneaks ( I think that’s the name of the long slimy things), and very few mice except in the barn across the way.


The first time I saw the white stuff, I have since learned it’s called snow, it seemed wondrous and magical like puffy treats falling from the sky that feel cool as you catch them. When they first came I thought they would stop coming so I tried to catch every one of them as they fell, Dad was calling me back to the house but I’m my own cat and I loved this stuff. Finally when I came to my senses and found that I had wondered off to who knows where. I tried to get my bearings, everything looked different, I saw the shape of the barn across the way. All my friends were there and even to Titus the snow was the only conversation; some old Tom who had talked about this before just sat there with a smug look as if to say, I Told you so.  He spoke of cold moons long ago and how the snow would get deep and hard to walk on, of course we didn’t believe him. We were wrong, oh how wrong we were, I wish I had listened then maybe the ordeal I was to endure would not happen .


The next day Titus and I made our way to mom and dads’ place where they had this thing where they shook a bag of treats outside the doors to call us home (treats are the bestest thing ever) but we never talk of them to the others, they would be jealous. We made a game of it pretending not to hear and they would get worried, this is the sort of lesson you have to teach your staff so they don’t get complacent and think that you are at their beck and call. You must be careful though, sometimes, because of old age, they forget that it is a game and leave you outside all night . We have a place under the back patio to sleep  when this happens. When we got home dad was moving the snow with a big scoop and pushing it out of the driveway. Dad made a lane for us and he kept making more lanes so we could run beside him, he’s old so we would give him a head start then we would show him our speed. We are very fast. I don’t know why but it seems that every two or three suns the snow would make the sky dark and come down and now just like old Tom predicted it was very deep and very hard to walk on.


This is the part of the story that I don’t like to talk about, but I feel I must for the sake of the kittens to come. One Day it started to snow and at first it was like all of the other times soft white so I decided to head on over to the barn for a spot of fun. The whole gang was there and a rowdy time ensued, Jake even brought his new toy filled with catnip and everyone had a go at it. After a while I was getting very hungry and I noticed that Titus was gone, and I knew where, so I decided to head to the old folks house. It was dark and the snow was getting very deep, but I knew they would be looking for me so I pressed on. When I got to the back patio the snow was covering the back door, I was scared but I knew I could go under the back patio but the entrance was gone, it was covered over with snow. I cried out but nobody could hear me. I remembered that there was another place and I found it under the front veranda that’s where I’d go. When I got there, there was a small opening so I went under It was dark but with all the fur I have on, it was comfortable. So now I waited for the snow to stop. I don’t know if it did but it must have. I looked for the opening but it was gone . I tried to dig my way out but it was futile the snow was to packed too deep, I was trapped .


I remember old Tom saying that the snow would melt and go away, this would be my hope. It was a long, long, time and I was hungry, you never want to experience this amount of hunger, it is the worst feeling ever. Days went by, I got weaker, even the dead flies could not sustain me, so I prepared for the long sleep. I felt a strange comfort in knowing that I was so near to the ones who loved me and I knew they would take care of my brother. I love Titus even though he sometimes doesn’t appreciate me. I remember thinking: I will miss Mom and Dad and their loving ways. I remember thinking if I get out of here I will never take them for granted again. Then one day I saw a dim light at the entrance to my would be crypt, so I clawed and dug with the little energy I had left. It was fate, I know, that brought Mom to the back door that day shaking the bag of treats. I ran and jumped on her, she held me gently and brought me in the house (I think she was crying but I didn’t know why) she made me my favorite eggs and cream mixed in a bowl . I ate some then jumped on the chair so she could pet me and rub my belly, Dad came too and it was so wonderful to be home. More eggs and then upstairs where my brother Titus got down off of Dad’s chair to sniff my ass, I sniffed his and I knew the long dark night of my young life was a thing of the past .


I still spend my time now between the house and the barn but when the snows are coming I go home. I like to sit on the rail when the sun is warm and wait for mom and dad to come home from the market. They are always happy to see me and they always bring me treats.


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